Jb Knows

A Teen Writer’s Trip to the Top

The _____ Day Ever (Part 1) February 20, 2009

Why today may be the worst day so far in my (young) life:

1. Someone that I like is getting married.  It does not matter who.  I do not want to marry him.  But the fact that he is currently engaged is depressing.

2. My boyfriend was not in school today.  I carefully made the point of wearing the necklace he gave me today, and he was not there to see me effort.  The reason that he was not here is because he is sick.  I coughed a couple times today and fear I have caught his cold.  And he told me he was not contagious!

3. The Forensics 3 Curse.  Every year, the day of the 3rd forensics meeting, I manage to injure at least two of my fingers.  I forgot about the curse until I received a paper cut.  Later, before the meeting, I smashed another one of my fingers in my organizer.

4. One of my friends may be gay.  This in itself is not an issue.  The issue is that this is someone I have/do have a crush on and who, I believed, had a crush/was hitting on me.  Could that be any more embarrassing?

5. I have not finished a poem in days.  Also I found out a friend of mine is a VERY good writer.  You know, good for him.  But it only makes me look even worse.

6. My English sucks (excuse my French).  I have a pen pal in Korea who is hoping (or is it hopping?) that I will help her out with her English.  As if I am an expert in the language I claim to speak!

7. Lunch was a series of badness.  First I clearly called a seat check, which was ignored.  When I came back, the only seat left was one that was covered in glitter.  I took it. Then I proceded to spill msahed potatoes all over myself.  Not to mention, before I had I chance to bite into my sandwhich, Scotty looked over (we usually order the same thing) and says “Just so you know, the food tastes like ass today.”

 

I Was Just Thinking… About That Speech You Gave December 25, 2008

Can I just scream?  That would get it out.  Get IT out.  All out, all gone, it’s lost.  I’m lost.  Truly don’t know what to say.  Don’t get weird on you?  What is that supposed to mean?  On you?  Don’t be weird.  I was already weird, but you certainly are not helping.  This is driving me crazy.  You are driving me crazy!  Do you want me to be crazy?  It sure seems like your goal.  Get me alone, crazy, stupid.  (Alone.  We are alone.  Two stupid lonely souls combining to get… You are not alone.  You already have…) No, not stupid, terrible thing to say.  That someone so smart could be so stupid.  (Might have to take me out back and…)

Me?  Smart?  Smart aleck, smartastic, sarcastic?  Yes.  Smart?  No.
My blood is running cold and I am shaking.  Not from the cold, I’m used to the weather.  But this -this thing- makes me shiver, my hairs stand on end.  On end, the end.  Is this my end?  End is definite, death too final, too simple.  (Suicide is no longer an option.) The dead are cold.  Am I dead?  I think, therefore I am, therefore living.  Can I be and still be dead?  It’s not a physical cold, (physical.  Physical cold.  Physical hot.) it’s a psychological cold.  All in my head.  All in.  All or nothing, in my head.  Making it up, of course not intentionally.  Or, yes, intentionally, subconsciously.
Talking about it does not calm anybody down.  It is not up for discussion. (SHUT UP) It is to reflect and drive me crazy, but it is never to be discussed.  With anyone, especially you.  I cannot talk to you about you.  (You: the object of my affection, my attention.  My excuse for lack of attention to things others deem important.)
Take a pain killer, numb myself.  Hardly solves anything.  Seems that whenever I am numb is exactly when I need to feel.  (Feel what?  Feel who?  Feel life.)

 

(Psycho)analysis December 21, 2008

How can you tell if you are crazy? You said that you know that you are crazy when I asked you. And if we are so much alike doesn’t that make me crazy too? I would assume that it does. Are you sure you are crazy, or were you just joking around?

If I’m crazy and you’re crazy..

I’m not the only one.

If you’re only crazy…

I will be soon.

If I’m only crazy…

What does that make you?You’re certainly not sane. Is there some sort of midway point that we both stand on? If we are normal, then normal is a pretty broad label. Or everyone is crazy.

If everyone was crazy, we are still crazier then most.

I think before I was just pretending to be crazy and now it has manifested into reality, but how can it do that, who is to blame? Can’t blame myself, the blame certainly does not fall on me because I couldn’t handle that, it must be the media, my environment, some chemical imbalance in my brain that I have absolutely no control over, so it can’t be my fault can it?

But of course! It’s all my fault! It’s always my fault, I am always to blame. That’s why we were late to Debate and why we lost the second game in Quiz Bowl and why you are always in a bad mood lately and you pray, you pray to no god because you have no proof that He is there. God is a disease. He infects the weak in every generation. I can’t be that weak if I’m agnostic, right?

Can’t have an emotional breakdown if you haven’t built your emotions back up yet. Can’t have an emotional breakdown if you have no emotions. Do I have emotions? Or do I just have thoughts? Thoughts that ramble, rambleramblerambleramble and have no point at all except to ask…

Am I crazy?